Prayers for peace never answered....

My FIL passed away in January very unexpectedly. Let me say this...he was a great man...although he had his faults. I keep feeling like I will never gain peace over his departing. I have these immense feelings of anger that I don't think I can ever forgive myself for. He didn't know he was going to die...he didn't want to die...but he did. And we were completely unprepared. This is coming from a person who goes to bed and wakes up every morning worrying if someone she is close to is going to leave her. When it happened....I can't believe the shock I felt. I still feel it...when God puts him on my heart I never feel peace....the bottom drops out. Everyone deals with things differently, but anger is a stage of grief.....and I have been stuck in that stage since the day he passed. Sure, I felt denial....acceptance was pushed upon me....and I still bargain. But anger has been underlying the entire time. I am not angry at him....how could I be angry at someone who suffered and passed away? I should be glad he isn't in pain anymore, right? There are a million things that are left in the wake of his death that are unfinished. How can anyone really know what he wanted. He wasn't planning on leaving earth this early...things may have changed if he knew his death wasn't years down the road. Everyone is lost in their own greif and certain people aren't considering other people in the FINAL plans. We are never going to get to (or have to) do this over....why does it have to happen so soon? Can't we leave his shop the way it was for just a little longer? Why can't I put my hand on his pencil on top of his notebook one more time. He left it there with his measurments and notes like he would be back tomorrow. Somedays...I almost think he will. There's that denial stage creeping up again. I don't think I have ever felt this lost and insecure. And I don't think I have ever worried more about my children. There is a very real possibility that I will out live at least one of my children. But what if I don't? Will they know what I want? My husband and I have discussed this over the past few months. We increased our life insurance coverage and we are diligently paying down our debts. I can't leave them with all of this. I think I (as well as my husband and his siblings) am too young for this to have happened.


I think a lot of these feelings are fueled by the fact that the "family" is spreading his ashes this weekend. I honestly have terrible feelings surounding this. I don't think it needs to happen this weekend....one of his daughter's can't even make it!! Not because she doesn't want to but because she could be going in to labor 10 minutes ago. Why does it have to be this way. Like I said before these are final plans and we are never going to get to revisit this again. I think people need more time. There has been a complete break down in communication in our family and I worry people are going to regret that way things are being handled. My husband and I don't even feel like his side of the family consider us family anymore. I mean they may the plans to put his ashes in their final resting place...with out us. I have conflicted feelings on that as well. Those are his ashes...it isn't him. He left this earth on January 13th, 2009. I pray everyday for God's mercy for him. Please Lord, give me peace.


This is an emotional post and I apologize it wasn't very well written....I'm new at this remember?

I am so proud.....of myself!

So I planted a bunch of seeds for veggies and herbs and stuff a while ago and I have been growing them in the house ever since. Well tonight I decided they were big enough to go into the garden!! My first REAL garden in my REAL yard! My husband purchased some brick border things last year that we never used so I convinced him to let me use them to border my garden. Then he helped me (ok he did most of the digging) remove all the sod and til the manure and top soil in. I was ready to start planting! I planted zucchini, acorn squash, butternut squash, grape tomatoes, beef steak tomatoes, candy onions, hot banana peppers, bell peppers, yellow tomatoes, basil, chives, tarragon, thyme, oregano and parsley. I stood on my back porch and looked at my planted garden for a good long while. Haha. I do realize that I am a complete dork for being so proud of planting a garden....but now that my kids can eat vegetables I am so excited to start feeding them to them. And I think it will feel so great to know that I grew the veggies I am feeding them...and myself.

Not Me Monday....take 1

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I did not spill fruit loops on the kitchen floor this morning...and I certainly did not shrug when Lily and Kaiden proceeded to eat them.

I did not laugh out loud when my daughter answered the phone when a telemarketer called. My daughter did not answer the phone by saying "poop".

I did not forget to put deodorant on one of my armpits....who would do that?!

When I was shopping sans children I did not start singing "You Are My Sunshine" when I heard a baby crying assuming it must be one of mine. No way, not me!

Everyone should take part in this!

labs and pics....

So both babies had to get labs today....I hate blood work days. It is getting increasingly hard for me to wrangle them both while we are at the lab. Lily never wants to sit still and Kaiden always has to have 1 snack in each hand....ah! So we got out the door only a few minutes late...as usual...and the lab wasn't all that busy so they took us right back. They know us there so we started with stickers to try to entertain one while I was holding the other one while they drew the blood. Well as I was holding Kaiden Lily decided to run out of the room and go put her stickers in the toilet. Good thing the lady was quick getting blood from Kaiden or Lily would have had the entire contents of the bathroom in the toilet. Kaiden was perfectly well behaved while Lily was getting stuck. You know what breaks my heart every week when we get labs? They don't cry anymore. They are so used to it that they barely flinch. I swear I get tears in my eyes every time!

So after we finally made it out of there we were off to Cranberry because Kaiden's pictures were in at the Target Studio. Since he was in the hospital for his 1st birthday I decided to get 18 month portraits done. Anyway....we got to Cranberry a little early and the studio was open yet so we went to Denny's for some breakfast (they have free kid's meals on Tues and Thurs which I didn't even know until I got my bill...a welcome suprise). They were actually well behaved for this experience and I was a very proud mama. Lily has recently started drinking from a straw and she loves when she gets apple juice in a cup with a lid and a straw. She is actually really good with it and rarley spills. She even knows not to tip the cup like she would her sippy! I love that little genius! Kaiden was too busy eating everything in site to notice his sister drinking from the cup even though I kept telling him to look at sissy. People probably thought I was totally crazy talking to both of these 1 year olds like they are adults.....haha.

Once we finished eating we headed to Target. Kaiden's pictures are incredibly beautiful!! They really did a great job of capturing his "essense". His smile was just perfect in all of them. They even got pictures of him pulling himself up to standing...which he just started doing!! I would suggest getting your pictured done there if your Target has a portrait studio. They ROCK! They actually rock so much that I applied for a job there. It's probably crazy of me but I would really enjoy getting out of the house a couple nights a week and doing something fun like this. I think it would be awesome....but I don't want to get my hopes up about it.

I guess this day went better than I had expected....

Just starting out...

Hi there, internet! So after reading other people's blogs I decided to make my own. I make no promises but I will try to keep up with this.

How do you do these things? Do you give people an into to who you are? Well my name is Marguerite and I am a wife and mother. I have two beautiful children named Lily and Kaiden. Lily came to us through the wonderful journey that is adoption when she was 5 days old. Kaiden came to us through foster care on a not so easy journey that has yet to conclude. His future with us is still not known. Kaiden is a transplant patient who has had liver, pancreas, and intestinal transplants. He is a warrior and he has changed my life in ways I never thought anyone could. I also have a husband named Nathan. We met in college have been going strong ever since! He is truly the strongest and kindest husband and father. So welcome to my life with two 1 year olds and a husband....enjoy!