My FIL passed away in January very unexpectedly. Let me say this...he was a great man...although he had his faults. I keep feeling like I will never gain peace over his departing. I have these immense feelings of anger that I don't think I can ever forgive myself for. He didn't know he was going to die...he didn't want to die...but he did. And we were completely unprepared. This is coming from a person who goes to bed and wakes up every morning worrying if someone she is close to is going to leave her. When it happened....I can't believe the shock I felt. I still feel it...when God puts him on my heart I never feel peace....the bottom drops out. Everyone deals with things differently, but anger is a stage of grief.....and I have been stuck in that stage since the day he passed. Sure, I felt denial....acceptance was pushed upon me....and I still bargain. But anger has been underlying the entire time. I am not angry at him....how could I be angry at someone who suffered and passed away? I should be glad he isn't in pain anymore, right? There are a million things that are left in the wake of his death that are unfinished. How can anyone really know what he wanted. He wasn't planning on leaving earth this early...things may have changed if he knew his death wasn't years down the road. Everyone is lost in their own greif and certain people aren't considering other people in the FINAL plans. We are never going to get to (or have to) do this over....why does it have to happen so soon? Can't we leave his shop the way it was for just a little longer? Why can't I put my hand on his pencil on top of his notebook one more time. He left it there with his measurments and notes like he would be back tomorrow. Somedays...I almost think he will. There's that denial stage creeping up again. I don't think I have ever felt this lost and insecure. And I don't think I have ever worried more about my children. There is a very real possibility that I will out live at least one of my children. But what if I don't? Will they know what I want? My husband and I have discussed this over the past few months. We increased our life insurance coverage and we are diligently paying down our debts. I can't leave them with all of this. I think I (as well as my husband and his siblings) am too young for this to have happened.
I think a lot of these feelings are fueled by the fact that the "family" is spreading his ashes this weekend. I honestly have terrible feelings surounding this. I don't think it needs to happen this weekend....one of his daughter's can't even make it!! Not because she doesn't want to but because she could be going in to labor 10 minutes ago. Why does it have to be this way. Like I said before these are final plans and we are never going to get to revisit this again. I think people need more time. There has been a complete break down in communication in our family and I worry people are going to regret that way things are being handled. My husband and I don't even feel like his side of the family consider us family anymore. I mean they may the plans to put his ashes in their final resting place...with out us. I have conflicted feelings on that as well. Those are his ashes...it isn't him. He left this earth on January 13th, 2009. I pray everyday for God's mercy for him. Please Lord, give me peace.
This is an emotional post and I apologize it wasn't very well written....I'm new at this remember?
15 years ago
Wow Marguerite... this is intense. You are brave to share these thoughts and the grieving process you are going through is not easy. We will be praying for you and Nathan this weekend.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. I think you did a beautiful job and things you write from the heart are best.
ReplyDeleteI am so familiar with all the stages you described - the grief, anger, denial. Bert and I are also realizing that one day our children will have to deal with our deaths and we want to do what we can to make that easier. That means getting a will together, getting some life insurance, and, very importantly, naming a guardian for the babies in case we both die before they are adults. Could you imagine what it would do to a family if there were fights over custody? It would be so much worse than what is happening now.